Research

I really appreciated your last comment, so I decided to do some reasearch, within myself and online.

Things that affect my relationship with my weight, healthy, body, and body image:

mom, society, my focus on weight rather than health, want for instant gratification.

Things that are successful to breaking a habit:
1. awareness
2. wanting to change
3. commitment
4. consistency (one step and day at a time. commiting on a daily basis)
5. perserverance

Quotes from online that I feel are true for me:

You greatly reduce your success probability if you suddenly wake up one morning, say “This is the day,” and dive headfirst into a change without realistically and specifically planning how you will make the change happen. (THIS is exactly my MO. I need to change and be more realistic and gradual in my endeavor to change.)

The Action stage must be followed by constant vigilance and a systematic plan for dealing with those temptations that can draw you back into the old, destructive pattern. It’s hard work to consolidate the gains you’ve made during the first four stages and to prevent relapse.

Celebrate achieving your goals, but don’t relax and tell yourself, “Whew! I’m glad that’s over!” Develop a menu of mental and behavioral coping strategies that will take you through the times when your feet begin to slip. (I have this fantasy about being "done" with this, but I have to recognize it may not be as simple as that.)

I will be following up on more research, because I obviously need to get a realistic strategy in mind. Thanks for all the help, you have no idea how much it means.

(oh, and the fact I could even make that last post really tells me how much trust and how safe I feel with you because that is hard for me to talk to even Joey about. Thank you for allowing me to have that with you.)

Ly,
M

Motivation

So I've been down about not doing well with everything (again...).

It feels really horrible and shameful to keep coming on this damn blog writing the same thing and messing up every time. I don't understand why I can't seem to do this. I can maintain a 4.0 throughout college, work, maintain relationships, but this is still something I struggle with all the time. I am beyond frustrated with myself. I feel like I don't know what to do, and I am so afraid I'll lose it again and then gain it back, and on and on and on.

So, on a more positive note, I've made a promise to myself to do what I can to be as healthy and confident as possible by my 21st birthday. I am young, and these should be the years I have to feel good and happy with myself, to be healthy and content. Today has gone well, and I put the balance in practice with allowing myself small treats (two Newman O's they had at work) while still eating healthy throughout the day. I think my main problem is restricting. My mom and I are going to LA Fitness Wednesday morning (my day off! no school or work!)so that will help. I think going to the gym will help keep me on track. I started going downhill when I stopped going.

Anyway, sorry for the rant. I love you and thank you for always being there for me and not getting sick of me!

Love,
M

Behavioral change

I've been invigorated ever since I read that chapter on behavioral change in my intro book. I've been making little changes all over the place:
Drinking 64 oz of water per day
Snacking MUCH less in front of the TV
Changing my workout every day so I don't stay in a rut
Flossing once a day
Using mouth wash once a day
Taking a multivitamin
Making my bed
Washing my sheets once a week

Okay, so I know these are not all weight related, but they're all really positive changes I've been trying to implement. I've been going strong with each of these for two weeks and counting. So I think that with perserverence, I can keep them up.

I feel excited that I can accomplish small, even silly goals.

Hope your goals are coming, M. I know you're busy and it's hard to make time to post, but keep it up, I love reading them!

a

Over my head

So, I promised to be honest. I am feeling insanely overwhelmed right now. I am trying so hard to keep on top of my schoolwork, workwork, and keeping my attention on eating well and working out seems nearly impossible. This week in particular has been crazy, I am not getting enough sleep, and am trying to balance everything. I am literally counting down the days until summer and then I want to make a complete schedule for the gym. As of right now I am trying not to be defeatist but still let you know what is going on in my life. I get out of work at 5:30 today and then I have off tomorrow to play catchup on homework.

Love you so much.

<3

M

Tuesday

Hmm..where to start?

Well, I've been trying to implement behavioral change. Sunday I sat down with a new notebook and walked through some steps I need to achieve my goals. Unfortunately, that notebook is in the car and I am in the library. So I'll sum up:

I walked through my last post which outlined ways to implement behavioral change. The key piece to this is deciding on measurable, specific goals. It's so hard to say "I want to get healthy" or "I want to lose weight" and achieve just that because there are so many other goals that lead the way to those happening. Some of mine were:

Drink 64 ounces of water per day. This not only accomplishes the goal of not drinking as much coffee and diet coke, but helps to fuel my body with water which it so much needs.

Eat less snacks in front of the TV. I've declared this a trigger. The TV is my vege-out spot. Sometimes I eat in front of the TV just because it's a habit, it feel comfortbale.

Do some sort of activity while watching TV. I figure, I really enjoy watching TV, it's not something I want to all together give up, but if I can replace the negative habit of snacking in front of it with doing some crunches or lunges it can be a worthwhile activity.

Buy less packaged food and more fresh food. Put the fruit out on the counter. Just having it available and the junk food unavailable eliminates a whole lot of the problem.

I think those were all of my goals. I wrote out a log in a notebook with each of these and for each day I can write how much water, if I snacked in front of the TV etc. It's not that complicated, I feel like these goals are really achievable, but will really impact my health overall. So I'm feeling really positive about these.

If you come up with any ideas like this M, write them here.

ly.
a

New beginnings indeed

Seriously, tomorrow starts a new week and I'm glad about that!

I had a talk with G today about my thoughts..

This weightloss/weight management is such a battle, some weeks I do really well, I'm proud, feeling great, and some are just not as good. This was one of those weeks.

I'm not trying to be dramatic, but I just want to go back to the basics. At one point during this blog expedition, I was actually enjoying, sometimes even craving fruits and veggies. For the first time ever, I could say this. And now my snacks are chips (all be it, baked chips), and crackers, etc. I know these aren't horrible, but I felt really positive and good about those choices for my overall health.

I want to be more consistent, and be less inclined to grab the chips and actually want the apple.
We'll see. New week. Intrepidly pursing.

a

New Beginnings

So I opened an account at LA Fitness at a family member rate! I have a complimentary personal training appointment on Wednesday at 7:30pm, and I'm excited to start and make a routine filled with self workouts and group workouts. I've been having a hard time keeping my food on track without having a workout routine so this is something I need to continue and work on. Nikos said he would work out with me, my mom as well, and Elaina and I may be able to work out some time. I hope this all works out and I'd like to be able to call if you if I feel unmotivated or ill at ease with this working out thing. I know you're here for me and I appreciate that, but you really don't need to take it on if it is too much.

Anyway, I need to keep my head up and focus on positive changes and positive decisions. I will update on my first workout session at LA Fitness! :)

M

(oh, an christos anesti!)

Never give in, never give in, never; never; never; never—in nothing, great or small, large or petty—never give in

I've been doing so much reading today and so much was sticking out to me in regards to our stated issues. I know I go through a myriad of these issues depending on the day: overeating, overrestricting, oversleeping, undersleeping, issues with time management. Over the past year you know I've been working on all of them and more, and am working to remedy each of them in their own right.

Something stuck out to me today in my reading and it's the concept of mindfulness. Stick with me here because these are excerpts, but I'm going to try to bring them to a cohesive whole.

"Life unfolds in the present. But so often, we let to present slip away, allowing time to rush past unobserved and unsiezed. We worry about the FUTURE and ruminate about what's PAST.

Mindfulness-is a state of active, open, intentional attention on the present.

When you become mindful you realize that you are not your thoughts, you become an observer of your thought from moment to moment without judging them.

Often we're so trapped in thoughts of the future or the past that we forget to experience, let alone enjoy, what's happening right now.

Relish or luxuriate in whatever you're doing at the present moment what psychologists call savoring.

Breathe."

So why does this relate to us? Because I think a source of the food related issues stems from a lack of awareness. I think our culture is one that encourages us to be involved in 34736489 things at once and we just overlook the real presence of food in our lives. At some point it became more about taste, pleasure, enjoyment etc. than a piece of something to nourish us. I am going to try and slow down and be aware moment to moment. I think by doing this I will be able to think about what's going on in my head while I eat, while I plan meals and I can examine my motivations with food more and more. The more I become aware of these emotions, the more I can create strategies to not do the things I don't want to to with food.

One other piece of this puzzle that I just couldn't resist posting:

This is out of my counseling book. This chapter describes how to counsel using a behavioral change. This is a process, following this basic model which identifies the problem and seeks to change it. I think it's kind of incredible and could be really helpful to the blog.

Planning and Implementing Behavior Change

Step 1: Describe the behavior
The first step in changing actions is describing the target behavior in specific and measurable terms.

Define the presenting concern. Explore the issue in detail. Obtain a full description of the undesirable behaviors causing strife in the person's life.

Step 2: Establishing a baseline

Recording the behavior and the feelings associated with different behaviors.

Step 3 Determining goals

Goals should be meaningful, clear, specific, measurable, and achievable. Person should be able to accomplish goals without extreme difficuly

Step 4 Developing strategies

Ex. Doing reading on the subject, using impulse control: relaxation, distraction, avoidance of triggers, planning


Okay, so now that that's all said. Hope I wasn't to boring with that! But I was thinking maybe we could both walk through this behavioral process. Helping eachother as we proceed through the steps. The book notes creating a behavioral contract which helps the person clearly note goals, rewards for achieving those goals. I was thinking on my next post I could try to work through these steps and come up with something hard written on paper. Having something to refer to in a moment of weakness could be really helpful. And also just helpful moment to moment to practice the mindfulness.

a

Everyday

So, I want to be honest and hold myself accountable. I messed up last night and I got off the bandwagon. This morning I woke up and I was thinking I should just screw it and eat whatever and get back tomorrow, but I didn't do that. I stopped myself and thought "I made a mistake. This would just be another one. It will not make me happy." I just kept thinking "this will not make me happy" and that worked. I mean, I did mess up last night, but I don't have to live in that, so I am proud of myself for making a better decision today. I think I just have to keep making little decisions every day that will get me to where I need to be, you know? I mean yesterday was a fail, but today was a win and I just have to focus on my wins and making them far outweigh my mistakes. It wasn't easy to be honest but it feels right so I could get it all out there.

Loveyou,

M

I've been reAlly content with my weight lately, it's been stable. Then last week I put on two pounds. I didn't freak out. This week I just weighed myself and two more. Im trying not to be upset. Honestly I haven't been the most dilligent in the world. I'm confessing it now so I can be accountable. I need to work a little harder because I don't want to go backwards. Mark my words I will be trying a lot harder this week. I feel like I just needed to be honest. I'm going to try really hard to not get down and just use it as motivation.

Overwhelmed

So, Donna confirmed the news. Honestly it would be too draining to even write my thoughts out on this matter. It will suffice to say that I am overwhelmed and upset. And confused. Honestly, this news is insane and it has affected me greatly, and maybe other people wouldn't think it is that big of a deal, but I've been very emotional all day about it. Gahhh...


On the bright side, I didn't comfort eat. I had special k cereal, a serving of wheat thins, a 100 cal pack, and a pasta dinner at Carabbas (I picked a dish I knew was healthy and the waiter said so too) with a teeny amount of bread (trying the balance thing out!). Yuck -- allll carbs, not good. I need to work on incorporating more veggies and dairy! All carbs is not healthy, even if it's low cal. I will be working on this, be assured. Also, last night I had my treat and that went well, so overall the diet is smooth. I just need to keep it that way. Going to Jasons tomorrow will help.

Well, I'm exhausted but thank you for being here. I love you.

M

Feeling Safe.

So, I just want to thank you, A, for helping me so much. I really don't know what I would do without you. I feel like it would have been so much harder for me to have climbed out of this whole lull I was experiencing before GA had it not been for me to feel safe talking to you about it, because I know you love me unconditionally. It is not many people at all that I have that with, less than I can count on one hand actually, and I am so proud of this friendship and its consistency and love and honesty and genuine safety. I feel like with the support and understanding I have, I have no choice to succeed... whether it takes me 10 tries or 20. I am so thankful. <3 Keeping my eyes on this will give me more motivation too. I want to keep looking at the positive -- I know it's there.

I've been doing well, trying to be balanced and not insane. I need to work on adding more nutrition and balance, but it is a daily struggle. I'm going to have one treat tomorrow, I think a small packet, the one that is kind of the size of a skittles package, of sour patch kids from the gas station or something, because that's what I'm craving. Balance and health is the key!

Love you so much.

Remembering to look for the good,
M

Love.

I just love learning and experiencing life. Things have been pretty darn good as long as I choose that. I feel like I have the choice to be positive or negative many times throughout the day. There are times lately when I want to be negative and I just want to be down about things that are going on, because seriously I have a lot of emotional garbage going on right now. But then I've been trying to make an active choice not to go to that place.

This is a function of the therapy (obviously)! But this relates to the food for a few reasons:
a. When I'm in a better place emotionally, I eat less emotionally.

b. When I'm in a more positive mood I'm less down on myself about my weight, appearance etc.

Thanks for the blog. It means so much for it to be here.
a

Little Things

So I'm working hard on keeping on track and trying to do this all in a healthy, functional way. Sometimes it's hard and sometimes not so much. I'm worried about Elaina's birthday in the case of food and also (this may sound stupid) the hottub. I just don't think I'm fully comfortable in my bathing suit with all the girls. IDK, I'll figure it out in the end. All will be well. I was thinking about trying out birth control again, maybe a lower dose, but the symptoms always include weight gain and I just am not willing to put another obstacle in all of this, so I may just wait until I'm at my goal weight and then think about that more. I just wish I could fast forward time and get there now, lol.

Also, in the spirit of honesty, I haven't been working out, but I am trying to not be too hard on myself and allow myself to get accustomed to my new routine and job and get settled with this diet change and then face how I'm going to incorporate exercise. I think this is healthy because in the past I have pushed myself so hard and gotten exhausted, so now I am trying to figure out a way that is really going to work and make a real commitment I can keep up with. It makes sense to me. :)

I love you and hope all is well.

<3

M

Faith

So, quick start, yesterday I had: 1 special k bar, a cheese stick, a protein bar, a clementine, and a bowl of watermelon. I think that's it. Hmmm, maybe too little, and A, I think you're right I think I am not getting enough and getting into restricting ways. I get so controlling and think about calories and overestimate everything until I'm at 1000 when I'm probably at 800. This is why I wanted to post on here so I could keep myself accountable for what I'm eating and have a second opinion on if I'm restricting, and obviously, I have been because I've been posting the only things I'm eating and in my distorted brain it's fine, but I need to add some more nutrition. Thanks for looking at it, A.

Anyway, something I've been struggling with is faith. Not in a grand way, but faith in myself. I want to believe I can achieve a good weight and keep it up, but sometimes I have these awful doubts of how I will always be struggling and how I will never look how I want or be confident or I will always yo-yo. It's at these times that I feel like giving up. Sometimes looking at the whole journey from afar is so intimidating and seems impossible. But it isn't. I know this. I think I just have to keep my chin up and take it one day at a time. I can control my choices TODAY. Not in the future (or the past). So if I keep my choices positive daily, the long term will seem easier. Does that make sense? It does to me. I just want to celebrate every positive choice, like you were saying, A, and work on every negative thought or action.

That is my goal for this week.

<3 Thanks for being here for me dear.
M

Sunday

Wow, what an interesting few days. I have just realized that there's a whole lot of my life that I just can't control. I haven't ever been a control freak, like obsessively cleaning or worried about little details.

But I do have a strong need to always know what's coming next. I recently read a book recommeded by my counselor about adult children of alcoholics. I was shocked to see this need for control as a large theme. Because ACOA's grew up never knowing what to expect in their family, they try to control things so they will know and determine their own future.

This is something I'm big time struggling with right now. Obviously I want answers. How are things going to work out with this situation, how can I fix this current "problem" what will things look like in 5 years from now?

But the truth is, I just can't know those things. All I have is RIGHT now. If I have a goal, I need to pursue it right now. If I have a problem, I can only deal with it on a daily basis, I can't figure everything out for the rest of my life today. I'm trying to enjoy the moments I have, thankful that I have them.

I'm just going to work on myself, my goals, my marriage. I have amazing opportunites I so often take for granted. I'm thankful to have problems like this because they make me stronger. I know this is a cliche statement, but seriously, it's true.

As far as my getting busier, making less ample time goal I'm not sure at this point. We went to the restaurant on Friday night to check it out. I think I could do it, but I'm not sure yet.

Food is not my main struggle right now, but I should report on it. I have been letting way too many little cheats work their way in. I'm going to work this week, (yay, Sunday, new week!) on not having any extra treats because they're there. I end up having too many and I don't even plan on it. I'm going to the grocery store today to fill up on fruits veggies and lean meats!

<3 a

Today

So I just want to tell you, A, that I love you so much and I know things will be okay, and you have a support system and I am glad you're using it. Communication is so important with these things. I love you and am proud of you.

And,

my intake today:
special k bar
cheese stick
100 cal pack
watermelon bowl from Publix
protein bar
another special k bar

looks like a lot, but I had the first special k bar for beakfast, the cheese and 100 cal pack for lunch, and the watermelon and protein bar for dinner and the other special k bar for a snack. And the calories are pretty low all in all, and I was able to keep full throughout the day.

<3 <3 <3

M

Thoughts

So I've been having a hard time with going to the gym. I talked to my mom about maybe buying an elliptical, but I'm afraid I won't use it and it is very expensive. With the new job and school the gym just seems overwhelming right now, driving there, spending an hour to an hour and a half, bringing clothes, showering, changing, etc, and though I'd do this at home I feel like it would take a lot less time and preperation. I talked to my mom and she suggested doing cardio workout dvd's at home that really work your body out and also yoga and walking and I think she has a good idea. I'm thinking I may cancel Planet Fitness and start a schedule of tapes, yoga, and walking. The tapes really are heavy on cardio and walking is great and so is yoga.

What do you think?? I think it may be something I can try and I can always reissue Planet Fitness if I don't do it or like it.

M

So things haven't been easy for m in the last few days. I am having a hard time with a lot of things. While eating and exercising are not the things I'm struggling with at this current moment, it's my new goals that are just falling in the background. Just know that I'm reading and I'm here for support. Call me whenever you need help. I know I have that in you also and I'm so grateful. It's all just so much of a daily process. Love. A.

Getting Comfortable

I still feel like I'm in a transitional "getting comfortable" stage with this new job and getting back on track. I wanted to go to the gym today, but I was so tired from being at USF all day. I've decided I need to go in the am because it is much easier for me and that way if I don't go that morning, I have to go that night. So this week I am going to go Friday, Saturday, Sunday for an hour and a half each day, and next week try to space it out better. Joey says he will help me Friday morning to make sure I actually go and I will commit to asking you, A, or him if I need help with motivation.

Today was kind of crazy (again). I've been eating a little too many snacks and not enough protein I think. In all:

cheese stick, 2 100 cal packs of cheezits, 1 special k bar, and 1/2 a sub and a small package of baked lays

I also had 3 diet cokes today, which is awful. Need to drink more water, most definitely. But, nothing too horrible, all in all. I think it would have been better with one less 100 cal pack or without the chips. I will keep this in mind for next time, but it wasn't a horrible day by any means. The problem lies in the fact that between school/work I am not getting enough of the food pyramid, and more protein but I'm workin' on it.

Anyway, just wanted to keep myself accountable. Posting my food choices is really helpful. Sorry if it's boring.

Love,

M

Honesty

So.... last night I didn't do well. I think I was just frustrated about having very few options and gave up. Today I've been much better, even though I didn't feel like it. :)

My day today: skipped breakfast (was running hugely late/very stressed), had a protein bar for lunch, a lean cuisine for dinner and a 100 calorie cheez-it thing for a snack. Looking at it, it doesn't look like enough, but it was a crazy day.

I think I have this sense that eating junk food will make me happy, and afterward I realize it doesn't make me happier, it makes me feel bad and gross. There is something in me that links food to happiness and good feelings. Not to say food can't be enjoyable but I think I need to check myself and think "will this make me HAPPY in the LONG RUN?" Usually it would be a no. So, I just wanted to be honest and say I messed up, but I'm much better today and am proud of myself for rebounding. I want to continue be honest to the blog and to myself.


It's hard at work because most of the girls are thin and gorgeous and they're all friends, and naturally being the new one I'm the odd one out, which is fine, but I think it makes me highly aware of my size as well. But, it is all okay, and I can just be myself and not worry about it. It just feels good to put into words.

So my gym days this week are Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday. So I may be calling you for motivation!

lovelovelove,

M

Milk...

So we have no healthy food in the house... well, very little. Last night I didn't end up going to bed until around 4am so I could work on my midterm, and I just submitted it (fingers crossed). I woke up at 11 and cleaned my room and started my laundry and at 12 I realized I was so hungry. We had special k cereal but only organic whole milk. I promised myself I wouldn't be a foodnazi and crazy so I allowed myself to have it because we had nothing else. So special k cereal with whole milk isn't sooo bad.My mom said she would go grocery shopping soon so hopefully that fixes things. And, since I didn't have any breakfast since I was asleep I think it is okay. And I will have a lean cuisine tonight and keep things balanced. I was just thinking about it a lot so I thought I could write it out here and get it out of myself.

Tonight I plan on having a lean cuisine and keeping things healthy and balanced.

Love you! <3 <3 <3

M

Goodness

So today was good. I had a special k bar for bfast, a protein bar and fruit for lunch, and a lean cuisine for dinner. It doesn't sound like a lot but I was fine, wasn't hungry or anything. I need to work on this midterm that I am stressing out over big time. And even though I sit at work, I feel more productive and need to figure out days for the gym next week. I feel better already and want to keep it up. I'm gonna have a cheat snack next week so that I can get on a more regular schedule.

This is really off topic (well, probably not really), but Joey is in St. Augustine and I am having a hard time being away from him. I guess I just feel like I always miss him a lot more than he misses me and that I love him more than he loves me and things like that. I guess I could see that those things could not be true, but I have a hard time I guess accepting that I am worthy of such love from him and feel inferior in some ways. I think this does relate to my weight struggles because it is something that is just as deeply rooted and I feel like they are connected in some ways. I think I have some issues with not feeling deserving of my father's love but also not feeling worth of my mom's acceptance based on my weight/body. So, there's that. But, I am a grown woman that can change and grow and learn. I feel better even talking (writing) about it because the more I can look at it and get it out, the more I can get a handle on it and how it affects my health/weight/body issues.

So that is that. I love you! and thanks for listening. <3

M

Goals

So I'm not sure how much this all relates to the blog. Bit I'm thinking this is a place for best friends to discuss what's going on in our lives. Things that are hard to talk about, things that we are working on. So I know some of the things I'm about to bring up are different from originally stated goals. But I feel like I've dealt well with some demons and have mAny more to fight.

First, I need to work on my self esteem. I hope this isn't annoying because I know how ridiculous it is when I hear certain people who look amazing bring up flaws in themselves. This is one of the reasons I never want to bring it up. I feel bad about my body, my looks too, a lot. And I don't really know why. I want to work on this. I want to stop comparing things about myself against celebrities and people I know. I want to look in the mirror and be proud and confident.

Next, Ive gotten to a more sedentary lifestyle than I've had in a really long time. Realistically I could have a job. I've just really gotten used to moving about my days slowly. I spend at least an hour and a half gumming four days a week then slowly work on school stuff and house stuff. I know that I could be doing more and sleeping less. It's just hard to have the motivAtion when it's not absoluely necessary. But this relates to my overall self esteem and weight goals as well. If I have leas time on my plate I'll be forced to eat out of boredom less and stay on track better. I've never been a lazy person in my life. And it's not that I'm lazy now I just know I'm not living up to my full potential and it's something I need to work on. I want to blog about these things I hope this is ok.

Love. A.

fresh start

So today went well. I had a clementine for b-fast (these early mornings... gah!), a protein bar and some more fruit from publix for lunch, a special k bar for a snack, and a lean cuisine. Pretty good, eh? And a diet coke. And I accidentally ate a couple sugary mints, lol, oral fixation i guess! When I realized I had eaten them I was thinking 'that was dumb. I should waste my calories on better things'. But all in all, very good. Balanced, and tried not to obsess. :)

I still need to find a real schedule for the gym, which I won't be going to Sunday because I have a serious midterm problem ... basically, one due that I need to get done asap. I think I will start next week and just try to figure it out from there. I'm thinking W, F, and Sundays for an hour and a half each. We will see. And yoga once a week too.

I feel better, lighter. I feel like I need to really commit and go strong. and post what I eat and how I'm doing with things. And if you notice things aren't going well or being updated, it would be helpful if you could call and remind me that you love me, would never judge me, and only want to help if I need it. If I reject it then, the blame will be mine, for I have obviously the best support ever. But I need to be responsible too in asking for help when I need it. Ultimately, I control my own destiny and I need to take the wheel! (Corny, but true.)

See you soon.

Love so so much.

M

Continuation

I htink it's easier for me to comment on your post by writing a new one because I have a lot to say on that. Honestly m, you are very inspirational. When you were really into the blog and he diet you were doing so great. This is only a setback. Not an end all be all. I have the utmost confidence in you and your ability to win. I fully believe in you. My friend. And I'm fighting these demons as well. Just because I am at a comfortable weight doesn't mean I eat great or am in perfect standing with All of this. In fact, the blog provided amazing support I used to really help me get to this weight. But without it, I'm struggling a lot with making good food choices. Some days are better Han others. But I know that with the help the blog brings I can fully accomplish the goals I have. I want to be consistently healthy. My while life I have gone back and forth. Restricting like crazy or eating whatever I want. So I am glad you are back, m. Tell me what I can do to help. I want to help you fight this. I want to help you as much as I can. Just let me know what I can do and I'll do it. I love you. Thanks for. Coming back.

Update...

So, A, like I talked to you in GA, I've been struggling. It has been for awhile and pretty bad. I feel like I failed and am failing and am back to square one. I'm really sad and angry at myself and am feeling a lot of negativity. I just wanted to do this so badly and I didn't.

BUT, the good news is that I still can. I think my problem was not being honest with the blog. That needs to change. I need to change. I have identified problems with my gameplan:

1. not enough balance
2. obsession
3. not asking for help when I needed it
4. being too hard on myself

I want to start again. I have some concrete ideas:

1. go back to allowing myself one real treat a week, otherwise I am restricting and then feel hopeless.
2. work really hard on not obsessing
3. cut back to going to the gym three days a week, but up the time to an hour and a half, so that way I go less days, but for longer increments.
4. asking for help and working on my shame factor in all of this

Sunday is my first day off so I will be going to the gym then. I will probably be calling if I have problems with motivation. In the mean time, I will be, starting tomorrow, adopting my healthy ways and doing my best to keep dedicated.

So, I need to accept that this is a real problem (maybe addiction??) that I have. It doesn't make sense I would do things that are really bad for me and make me feel like crap if it wasn't. So, I will fall off the wagon. I will mess up. I will fall short. But, the only way I can really lose the weight for good is if, at those moments, I ask for help from people who will help. That is what I need to change.

I'll be back tomorrow for an update on how it's going.

Thank you for accepting me, with all my baggage/issues/shortcomings.

<3
M

Been a while

Well, posts to the blog have definitely slowed down. Hopefully we're all just doing SO great we don't see an imminent need to post. But I know for me, it's a constant struggle still. I've made tons and tons of progress thanks to the help of this blog, your two's help, and a strong resolve.

We started this blog 4 months ago. It was something we all needed at the time. And for a solid 4 months I looked forward and even depended on posting. In these months I've changed a lifestyle. I've gone from feeling frustrated daily about by eating habits to feeling pretty confident. I spend less time overeating and feeling guilty about it.

I think it's really important to note that while these strides have been made, I still struggle. Having this blog was a support that's not as strong as it was 4 months ago. And that's okay. Getting a lifestyle change right takes time and I'm not convinced mine is 100% right yet.

I just want you guys to know this blog will always be here. Even though we're not all as dedicated to it as we once were, I think maintaining a healthy diet is something that still rings extremely important to all of us. Since there's a lull in the blog right now I really hope it's just the blog that's not getting the attention, and the diets aren't suffering as well. I don't want to assume that because the posts aren't flowing in we've all gone off the deep end. I don't assume that.

All I want to do is make it clear that the blog's still here, and I'm still here as a friend who's supportive and wants to help all of us in our journeys to better health. With all the things we talk about in our group, it took a really long time for us to get the health topic out on the table. I don't want that topic to go away. I don't want all of the work we put into open communication about our eating troubles to go down the drain. So just know that I'm here, I think you're both still there to listen to me as well. And if it's not here we're sharing that we'll still share on the phone, in person or somehow. Because if it's two things we've learned through this blog, we're not alone in our struggles and the three of us are willing to help the other two in any way we can.

Love you.
a

Sorry!

I am sorry I've been slow on posting. I just had to figure out this new semester!

So I feel like with February coming I want to set some more goals and buckle down and really step my game up because I've gotten a little lax for a bit. I need to think of some strategies and incentives and I will update. I just want the both of you to know I am very committed to this blog - it means a lot to me and I am not forsaking it!!


I am going to follow up about my February plan. Love love love!

M

Today.

So lately the gym has been going well. I've been working on increasing levels and making sure I'm really challenging myself.

About food though. My main struggle:
I've really gone back and forth. Some days it's a huge priority and somedays I find myself stress eating. For instance today. For some reason it was really stressful. Things were upsetting G and I picked up some of his stress. I don't really know why I instantly transferred his stress to myself, but I just did.

Last night I was really craving tacos, but resisted the urge. Today it just hit, major craving and coupled with the stress I went to the store, bought all the stuff and came home and made them. I had an idea that I could go to Tijuana Flats and get tacos (less mess, cleanup, no cooking involved.) But I figured if I got the stuff to make it I could use extra lean ground beef and not have to risk all of the extra fat.

This was good in theory. But I think the problem came in when I grabbed the sour cream and thought, Doritos would be a nice side to the tacos. Well, I totally indulged in one of my most beloved treats. Tacos, doritos = not a good healthy dinner.

I wish I could just write this off and say, it's okay but the truth is it's just not. I am still to this day not at a place where I can truly trust myself around my problem foods.
Will I ever get to that place? I guess I don't really know. I ate out of pure stress, anxiety.

And I went right to my classic coping food. Cheese, saltyness...

I'm disappointed, yes. But it's more than that. It's like I spent so much time at the gym this morning. I burned 450 calories and that doesn't nearly cover what I ate at dinner. I had a nice healthy balanced breakfast with a lean cuisine at lunch and completely blew it at dinner.

I feel really bad and it only makes the stress worse. I don't know why I thought this would help anything. I feel it's important to write this here because maybe next time I go to do something like this I'll stop and read this post. I don't know why I think that considering I've said this exact same thing in the past.

Well all I can do is learn. I really have been doing so much better the majority of the time. I even chose to do tacos the semi healthier way. It's just certain things i'm just not ready for.
a

How's it going?

How are things going for you guys? I've been doing well eating and gyming. What's going on with you two??
a

I want jeans that fit right.

I'm going to try a new workout today. According to my measurements, I can't find the right jeans to fit. My hips are in one size about two sizes bigger than my waist, and it makes jeans just fit weird. So I went to womens health mag. com and printed out a workout specifically for pear shapes like me. I'm excited to try it. Usually I don't want to change anything at the gym. I get in a routine and I don't want to mess with it. But I know it's absolutely necessary to mix up routines every week or two, so I'm going to try it today and let you guys know how it goes!

First week of classes

So this week has gone well, I've been going to the gym in the afternoons on some of the days, and I think that can be a good thing for me, so I'm happy with that :) I mean, I have the time, so why not? I don't have to torture myself and get up at 7 when I don't need to. I'm doing well with eating and working out, so I finally feel completely back on track after the mess ups/ holidays/ being sick. I'm still a little nasaly but feel way, way better.

So, while on my sickbed, I watched Say Yes to the Dress a lot and kind of loved it (even though some of those women were spending on a dress what I would spend on my entire wedding! Sheesh!), but it got me thinking about my wedding day and how I want to feel comfortable, healthy, and beautiful in my own skin and my dress. I know I have a lot of work to do and a long way to go, but I want to be at that place, and I want to be at a place where I can be in some sort of a balance and not think about food 24/7. I know I'll get to that maintaining level and I honestly don't want to get married until I am. I just want to get to the best place possible first, ya know?

Anyway, love you both very much (kate I miss you on this blog!!)

<3 And I can't wait to shop for wedding dresses with the both of you with the best, most healthy body of my life :)

M

Sick Days

So eating well while being sick is not an easy task, and I reverted to some comfort foods. :( Yuck Yuck Yuck!

Also not being able to go workout sucks but I don't want to hurt myself and I need to focus on my health.

I feel like this break has not been easy for me at all, but tomorrow is Sunday and that means it is a NEW day. I'm not going to go to the gym because I am nervous because I'm still nasally and congested, but I am going to get up early and do yoga and make sure I hit the gym on Monday.

Break is officially over and now it is time to buckle down and focus on my goals and my health.


I am excited (and a little nervous) for school to start but I feel like it is extra incentive to keep working hard.


Oh, and.... my mom and the new york thing kinda fell through, which honestly I sort of honestly thought might happen. Joey's aunt and uncle live in NJ so we are talking about going there and staying with them and venture into the city. I hope that happens, it would be so amazing.

BUT, I'm so excited to go CAMPING!!!

love you.
M

I'm kind of disappointed in my food choices today. I wish I had done a little better. i think I'm nervous about school starting up, it's not a good excuse. I just need to keep coming here, to the blog to stay on track. It wasn't anything really bad, just not really good for my body. I want to be really good to my body and feed it healthily. I just need help and to be more intensely committed to this. Mary, you are really inspiring with this. Thanks for all of your help. The way you stick to your goals is so helpful to me. <3
a

Fluctuating..

So lately I've been fluctuating. Last week I went down two lbs which was baffling to me. Then this week I went back up 1 lb. I'm guessing this is because of my period this last week. I think it's less important to focus on the numbers than to talk about how I feel and the choices I'm making food wise.

This week has been really good on eating. I've meandered over into more processed food and less fresh however. Lean cuisines, low fat cereals and then fresh at dinner time. I know this isn't ideal, but it's so much easier because that stuff doesn't go bad as fast.

When I went shopping I was excited to try on a 2 at Ann Taylor that fit perfectly. It was really strange to me that I actually fit into that size. I was super happy about it, but in a way I'm really scared. I'm at my first goal, but I'm so scared I won't be able to really stay there. I know this is irrational, if I've been able to take it off I know I can keep it off. But the problem as we all know, wasn't as much the weight as the mindset. I'm trying to find a balance of keeping health in mind and not being obsessed with calories. I've never been able to stay in the middle ie. healthy food, gym, maintence. This is a huge feat for me I know this blog will continue to help me through.

Also, so many people are coming to my gym and taking tours and signing up because it's the "new year". I'm so proud of us for all doing this because we needed to, not because of the date.
a

Good workouts, Good days

So yesterday and today I had two really good workouts. It feels really nice to enjoy going to the gym (even if it is just a little, lol), and kick ass on the elliptical :)

But, annoyingly, I am fitting into smaller clothes, but my stupid boobs can present problems in a lot of clothes. I'll find things that fit perfectly or are even a little big on my lower and middle areas, but there is no way the boobs are fitting. I hate shopping and seeing really beautiful things that I know aren't built to accommodate my boobs. But, they'll get smaller and all is well, I still fit into smaller sizes and feel healthy and good so that is all that matters! :D Besides, I can't hate on them too much, I do like them a little :)

Anyway, I am really happy to be on a better track and feel lighter and better. I'm really proud of us and our progress. And, honestly, I'm just excited for when I lose it all and throw a huge party!!!

:D

Love you so much,

M

Finally...

Sorry to be late on an update.

Honestly, with this break I'm struggling. I feel like it will get a lot easier when I'm in a routine and working towards school goals. I'm really excited for school to start back up again. I think I've had enough of a break so far, lol. :) I just think I got so used to a routine, this break is hard because I feel purposeless.

But, I do have some 2010 goals:

1. Be 150 by March.
2. Be 130 by July.

I think those are fair, and if it takes longer, it takes longer. It is what it is, all I can do is my best, and I know I can do that. And I really think being in school with a goal and a focus will be much easier... I'm excited for the first day :)

Thank you for being such great friends to me this year and helping/supporting me. You guys have no idea how much I love you.

New Years was fun. I haven't even sipped an alcoholic drink since we started, even earlier, so I allowed myself to let loose a little, and stopped when I was tipsy and had fun. It is nice to, every once in a while, allow yourself to do that and still be in control but let loose a bit too. :)

A, I love you so much and can't wait to go camping hehe :)

M