Never give in, never give in, never; never; never; never—in nothing, great or small, large or petty—never give in

I've been doing so much reading today and so much was sticking out to me in regards to our stated issues. I know I go through a myriad of these issues depending on the day: overeating, overrestricting, oversleeping, undersleeping, issues with time management. Over the past year you know I've been working on all of them and more, and am working to remedy each of them in their own right.

Something stuck out to me today in my reading and it's the concept of mindfulness. Stick with me here because these are excerpts, but I'm going to try to bring them to a cohesive whole.

"Life unfolds in the present. But so often, we let to present slip away, allowing time to rush past unobserved and unsiezed. We worry about the FUTURE and ruminate about what's PAST.

Mindfulness-is a state of active, open, intentional attention on the present.

When you become mindful you realize that you are not your thoughts, you become an observer of your thought from moment to moment without judging them.

Often we're so trapped in thoughts of the future or the past that we forget to experience, let alone enjoy, what's happening right now.

Relish or luxuriate in whatever you're doing at the present moment what psychologists call savoring.

Breathe."

So why does this relate to us? Because I think a source of the food related issues stems from a lack of awareness. I think our culture is one that encourages us to be involved in 34736489 things at once and we just overlook the real presence of food in our lives. At some point it became more about taste, pleasure, enjoyment etc. than a piece of something to nourish us. I am going to try and slow down and be aware moment to moment. I think by doing this I will be able to think about what's going on in my head while I eat, while I plan meals and I can examine my motivations with food more and more. The more I become aware of these emotions, the more I can create strategies to not do the things I don't want to to with food.

One other piece of this puzzle that I just couldn't resist posting:

This is out of my counseling book. This chapter describes how to counsel using a behavioral change. This is a process, following this basic model which identifies the problem and seeks to change it. I think it's kind of incredible and could be really helpful to the blog.

Planning and Implementing Behavior Change

Step 1: Describe the behavior
The first step in changing actions is describing the target behavior in specific and measurable terms.

Define the presenting concern. Explore the issue in detail. Obtain a full description of the undesirable behaviors causing strife in the person's life.

Step 2: Establishing a baseline

Recording the behavior and the feelings associated with different behaviors.

Step 3 Determining goals

Goals should be meaningful, clear, specific, measurable, and achievable. Person should be able to accomplish goals without extreme difficuly

Step 4 Developing strategies

Ex. Doing reading on the subject, using impulse control: relaxation, distraction, avoidance of triggers, planning


Okay, so now that that's all said. Hope I wasn't to boring with that! But I was thinking maybe we could both walk through this behavioral process. Helping eachother as we proceed through the steps. The book notes creating a behavioral contract which helps the person clearly note goals, rewards for achieving those goals. I was thinking on my next post I could try to work through these steps and come up with something hard written on paper. Having something to refer to in a moment of weakness could be really helpful. And also just helpful moment to moment to practice the mindfulness.

a

Everyday

So, I want to be honest and hold myself accountable. I messed up last night and I got off the bandwagon. This morning I woke up and I was thinking I should just screw it and eat whatever and get back tomorrow, but I didn't do that. I stopped myself and thought "I made a mistake. This would just be another one. It will not make me happy." I just kept thinking "this will not make me happy" and that worked. I mean, I did mess up last night, but I don't have to live in that, so I am proud of myself for making a better decision today. I think I just have to keep making little decisions every day that will get me to where I need to be, you know? I mean yesterday was a fail, but today was a win and I just have to focus on my wins and making them far outweigh my mistakes. It wasn't easy to be honest but it feels right so I could get it all out there.

Loveyou,

M

I've been reAlly content with my weight lately, it's been stable. Then last week I put on two pounds. I didn't freak out. This week I just weighed myself and two more. Im trying not to be upset. Honestly I haven't been the most dilligent in the world. I'm confessing it now so I can be accountable. I need to work a little harder because I don't want to go backwards. Mark my words I will be trying a lot harder this week. I feel like I just needed to be honest. I'm going to try really hard to not get down and just use it as motivation.

Overwhelmed

So, Donna confirmed the news. Honestly it would be too draining to even write my thoughts out on this matter. It will suffice to say that I am overwhelmed and upset. And confused. Honestly, this news is insane and it has affected me greatly, and maybe other people wouldn't think it is that big of a deal, but I've been very emotional all day about it. Gahhh...


On the bright side, I didn't comfort eat. I had special k cereal, a serving of wheat thins, a 100 cal pack, and a pasta dinner at Carabbas (I picked a dish I knew was healthy and the waiter said so too) with a teeny amount of bread (trying the balance thing out!). Yuck -- allll carbs, not good. I need to work on incorporating more veggies and dairy! All carbs is not healthy, even if it's low cal. I will be working on this, be assured. Also, last night I had my treat and that went well, so overall the diet is smooth. I just need to keep it that way. Going to Jasons tomorrow will help.

Well, I'm exhausted but thank you for being here. I love you.

M

Feeling Safe.

So, I just want to thank you, A, for helping me so much. I really don't know what I would do without you. I feel like it would have been so much harder for me to have climbed out of this whole lull I was experiencing before GA had it not been for me to feel safe talking to you about it, because I know you love me unconditionally. It is not many people at all that I have that with, less than I can count on one hand actually, and I am so proud of this friendship and its consistency and love and honesty and genuine safety. I feel like with the support and understanding I have, I have no choice to succeed... whether it takes me 10 tries or 20. I am so thankful. <3 Keeping my eyes on this will give me more motivation too. I want to keep looking at the positive -- I know it's there.

I've been doing well, trying to be balanced and not insane. I need to work on adding more nutrition and balance, but it is a daily struggle. I'm going to have one treat tomorrow, I think a small packet, the one that is kind of the size of a skittles package, of sour patch kids from the gas station or something, because that's what I'm craving. Balance and health is the key!

Love you so much.

Remembering to look for the good,
M

Love.

I just love learning and experiencing life. Things have been pretty darn good as long as I choose that. I feel like I have the choice to be positive or negative many times throughout the day. There are times lately when I want to be negative and I just want to be down about things that are going on, because seriously I have a lot of emotional garbage going on right now. But then I've been trying to make an active choice not to go to that place.

This is a function of the therapy (obviously)! But this relates to the food for a few reasons:
a. When I'm in a better place emotionally, I eat less emotionally.

b. When I'm in a more positive mood I'm less down on myself about my weight, appearance etc.

Thanks for the blog. It means so much for it to be here.
a

Little Things

So I'm working hard on keeping on track and trying to do this all in a healthy, functional way. Sometimes it's hard and sometimes not so much. I'm worried about Elaina's birthday in the case of food and also (this may sound stupid) the hottub. I just don't think I'm fully comfortable in my bathing suit with all the girls. IDK, I'll figure it out in the end. All will be well. I was thinking about trying out birth control again, maybe a lower dose, but the symptoms always include weight gain and I just am not willing to put another obstacle in all of this, so I may just wait until I'm at my goal weight and then think about that more. I just wish I could fast forward time and get there now, lol.

Also, in the spirit of honesty, I haven't been working out, but I am trying to not be too hard on myself and allow myself to get accustomed to my new routine and job and get settled with this diet change and then face how I'm going to incorporate exercise. I think this is healthy because in the past I have pushed myself so hard and gotten exhausted, so now I am trying to figure out a way that is really going to work and make a real commitment I can keep up with. It makes sense to me. :)

I love you and hope all is well.

<3

M